Weird title I know but follow me here. Today gave me some serious insights into those three words. I wanted to pick two things from the relationship that always bothered me, whether it was during the relationship, or during the fallout or both. So here are those two things:

1. Breadcrumbs/Hypocrisy - She would always make me feel like dogshit for things like my career, my situation with children, and how I wasn't "fun" and never showed affection. and at the end after the fallout, I was the ONLY problem. Maybe I was, but I think it went two ways, but the only one to care was me. When she would spend literally every night 7 days a week drinking on the floor in the living room to the point of falling asleep or passing out and blame it on me. And maybe I was in most regards and that I'm sorry for. But now I'm seeing the shame and guilt is only one sided. We both would promise to change, but I only came up with ideas, so again one sided. reality is she NEVER wanted it to change anything, so she could use it as a copout in the end. I'm sure by throwing this example out there, I'll get accused of trying to trash this person. Not the intention, but not my monkey, not my circus, that's their problem since they feel they did not wrong on their end.

2. Ghosts - This one is 1000% ALL ME! At the end when I had my breakdown, I did and said some real horrible and evil shit. I didn't take my mental illness seriously AT ALL and thought I had it under control, BOY WAS I FUCKING WRONG! And going down the Alcohol rabbit hole in a binge fashion made it only 1000% worse on my end. The clearer headed I get, the worse I feel. I was a real evil bastard, I can acknowledge that, and it absolutely sucks the situation we have put us both in. Nobody wants to live with the idea of hurting someone they deeply love, but it happens.

So, there it is, self-therapeutic session. As silly as it sounds, was super insightful. And now that my meds are in order, makes me angry, and I'm allowed to be in some regard. Angry at myself for hurting her, but also angry because the hurt went both ways, and yet she feels she did nothing wrong and I'm the only problem. Will I convince her of that? FUCK NO! But that's her bullshit and is what it is, So I'll be angry, sad and full of regret until the time is right to forgive, I guess. Honestly, I don't know If I ever will. I hold her in the same regard as someone else that I hate with ALL my being. Yes, I know it's a character flaw on my end. That's an entry for another day though.