Beware ... This one is a mix of optimism and Pessimism?

Weird title I know, but follow me here. My therapy session today gave me some serious insights into those three words. I even wrote a poem, because the words just spewed out of me. As we were talking , he told me to stop focusing on what I did. He said "that ship has sailed and you've suffered enough. He then wanted me to pick three things from the relationship that always bothered me, whether it was during the relationship, or during the fallout or both. So here are the three things:

If you woke up tomorrow and had a second chance at one thing, would you take it? This would make an interesting survey. I'm not sure how most people feel, but for me, I'd like to think I would accept it and try to do it right. There are tons of moments in life where we would love a "do over" to make it right, or to come away from it for the better. I have two in my mind I'd like to redo or change the outcome. But here is a more interesting question, what if not getting a second chance was not only a learning lesson to do better on your end, but to also save you from something more fucked up down the road? Here is an example, say you get the do over and you do it not only right but better, but it ends up following through the same way or worse? To me that would be crippling to my soul, while at the same time showing me that all moments when it comes to relationships are two sided, and even if you control and fix one side, the other side will still be fucked the same if not worse. In my experience,  second chances are rare. I know I've never had any, no matter how bad I would like one, It's just not a tangible thing. Like a dream of something you reach for that's always out of your grasp. That's where the idea of this poem came from. It's a grand dream that in reality either doesn't exist, or never turns out the way we want. But who really knows, maybe its the Vodka talking lol.

This is a tad on the dark and sad side. And after the 5th shot of vodka, figured I'd publish this bad boy. I have this sinking feeling most days about my "end". There is so much I want and need that always seems out of grasp or I'm not allowed to have for some reason. Oh well, here's to shot 6 and beyond lol.

Most of my children are grown,  but I still have some great memories of each of them when they were little. This poem I started on years ago, and noticed it while going through my journals. It reflects small tidbits of stuff noticed as they were growing up.

This one was a stupid one that makes me laugh. I haven't deadlifted since before I destroyed my leg. But Thinking I might start again to fully evolve into my true meathead form. Although I don't see a lot of meatheads writing poetry lol. But a deadlift, like a squat is the perfect example of how depression can crush you.

I wrote this back in June, after a full day of selfies back and forth. I don't even think we had our first date yet. The main thing that stood out was this single dimple on her gorgeous face. When you have a mix a such beauty, piercing eyes and a great smile with that single dimple, Fuck,  its like hitting the jackpot. The only other thing that topped just her everyday smile was when she would bite her lip when she was nervous or in a deep thought. When I think about the good stuff, The thing that resonates with me was her incredible smile. 

This subject send me into complete psychotic fucking hatred. I spent years burying it, but that hasn't worked so well lol. This one thing can literally take me from a good day, to a day when I literally want to either get angry and destroy shit, or crawl in a fucking hole. Apologies for the bad language.

I didn't know how to structure this one lol. And its super short as I didn't know how to quite finish it. Backstory, we had a joke back and forth about who would break down and say it first. And one night like a dumbass, I blurted it out in a text. I tried to edit the text and she said "nope saw it, you lose" or something like that lol. But in retrospect, fuck of course I meant it, as it was a pretty fast process. Oh well that doesn't matter now that its over. 

I'm not sure about this one. I would love to write something more cruel and vicious, but that just send me in a fucked up rabbit hole.

I wrote this back in July. This one was just thrown together and made me laugh as I was writing. Probably because I hadn’t known her that long and it was new. Who would have thought an impromptu coffee delivery and making out in her work parking lot would be a great memory.

Have you ever had a dream so vivid that you wake up upset it wasn't real? Worse than that, after waking up and thinking about it wishing it was real? I have had a few of those lately. As lovely as the dream was, waking up knowing it wasn't real or never going to happen is soul crushing. Its almost like reaching out for something, and right at the moment you grab it, it disappears. What sucks is I wish I could just forget the fucking dream, but unfortunately I can't.