I have thought about this a lot. If I was to commit suicide, I would like to think I would want everyone to understand why I did it and what I was feeling. I've told people in the past when I was hurting, and it was always be dismissed or i was an "attention seeker". Then the time I actually tried it, I was selfish and why didn't I reach out for help? Are you fucking kidding me? Make up your mind for Christs sake. So over the last few weeks I thought to just leave a note. But what would I communicate in that note? So below is probably what I would say to my family and friends. Not saying it's right, but it's what is in my brain. I'm sure I'll add or change some of this, as this is what I'm currently thinking/feeling in the moment.
If this is being read, it means that I am gone. I'm sorry but I just can't do this or life anymore. I promise you all I really tried, It just isn't working and the pain is simply to much to bare. No matter how hard I try, there is just no place for me. Please know that this decision is in my mind and heart the only way out of this fucked up life.
To my kids - I'm so sorry it has come to this. My role is to be a pillar of strength in your lives, and I have failed in every aspect of this. You're the ones who should have brought me absolute joy, and even though this has happened many times, it doesn't shake the immense sadness I face daily knowing that no matter what I do, I fail. I'm sorry I missed so much of your lives (games, events, concerts), and I'm sorry I'll miss out on your lives and loves in the future. But please know that I am proud of the individuals you've grown into and who you are aspiring to become. I can only hope that there will be a day where you forgive me for leaving this way. I love you all very much, and am so sorry.
To my friends - I'm sorry I let all of you down. I'm just not strong enough to navigate all this bullshit any longer. There comes a time when we just need to realize that I am so fucking lost that the best thing for me, and everyone is to just not be here any longer. Its not selfish, attention seeking or a manipulation, it's simply me just not having it in me to fight the demons in my head any more. They are too strong and war waging, and I'm just not able to withstand the pain any longer. I'll always cherish our times together (good, bad and indifferent). From working out, to drinks and talking mad shit, I'll miss it and all of you.
To my family - I don't really know what to say to you. I'm still so angry and hurt, and lets be honest none of you wanted me here or around anyway. So lets chalk it up to you not having to worry about the crazy damaged brother, son, uncle, whatever. You'll all be just fine. I never fit in with any of you, so it's better this way.
To the one I love - I'm sorry I hurt you and caused whatever is between us. Whatever happened I would give anything to fix, but I cant, and you don't want that anyhow. You will always be my greatest love, and a great loss to my heart. From our banter, playlists, playful shit talking and most importantly the feeling of intense chemistry we had. I hope that one day you'll fin a pure love and cherish it forever and they will cherish you the same. I am so sorry!
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