Today is definitely a "dark" day. The only way I know to describe it is being literally under water and I cant get to the surface to take a breath (hence the title), All I ever do is find myself in the cycle where all i do is question why the fuck am I even here? I'm no good to anyone, I wreck everything I touch and the is no ROI (return on investment) for my fucking life. I mean just a short time ago, I was living in great moments and was happy I thought. I was getting in great training, work was dumb but clients were fun and I was in love with someone. Now here I am again, fucked (mostly by my own doing I acknowledge that), and just in an utter heap of shit with no way out. It's like I'm only on this earth meant to suffer and fucked. And it seems like all anyone wants is me to "suck it up" or "get over it" and just be happy. Really? It's not that fucking simple. I cant just snap my fingers and be chipper. Then I get told medication, medication, medication. Jesus that seems like they just want me compliant and docile and to be a zombie, because that how I feel when I'm medicated. That's no life either just to go through it being a emotionless zombie and hoping that one day they find the right mix and dosages. Fuck if Drs. cant get it exact, how the fuck am I suppose to navigate shit?
Its all like a sick joke and I'm the punchline always. At this rate, I'd rather just stop trying to swim and just drown. At least I'd have peace. But then I'm a selfish piece of shit. But I tell people I hurt and no one wants to hear it. They want truth, but only on their terms and to fit their narrative. That's not real truth.
So either way if I'm a piece of shit, I might as well have peace and something I want for once? Why is that so fucking wrong? Everyone else can have it, why the fuck can't I?
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