Weird title I know, but follow me here. My therapy session today gave me some serious insights into those three words. I even wrote a poem, because the words just spewed out of me. As we were talking , he told me to stop focusing on what I did. He said "that ship has sailed and you've suffered enough. He then wanted me to pick three things from the relationship that always bothered me, whether it was during the relationship, or during the fallout or both. So here are the three things:
1. I always felt like I had to live up to the expectations and the deceased husband. Which part of me gets, She loved that dude and he was taken tragically. That's not my story to tell though. But the entire time It was like I was fighting a ghost. I never said anything because I didn't know how she would take it, so I kept it to my self. I As much as I understand, inside I was like "fuck am I not good enough?" And during the fallout, she would bring up that he did a lot of the same shit. Well If that's the case why am I not good enough to fight for? I'm sure the degree was different and I acknowledge that, but Jesus Christ. In hindsight I think she'll always have that issue in any relationship she has . But as the therapist said "that's not your issue that's hers".
2. Her hypocrisy was sometimes incredible. I was this horrible person, and maybe I was. But when everything fell out, we should have went separate ways and that would have been it. But instead she spent months fucking my head up, making promises, leading me on and then deflecting and accusing me of gaslighting when I stood up for myself. Don't get me wrong, I was a real bastard, but Jesus, what she did is equally dishonest, cruel and nothing more than revenge seeking. Now i also went that route eventually when I threatened to disclose info that could have got her in trouble. And the petty side of me still wants to. But still none the less, She was also hurtful and dishonest, thus making her a hypocrite.
3. Our relationship was always on her terms. She always would use the "I'm a single mom" shit, which she was. but when she wanted to see her friends she had no issue getting a sitter. And I have kids and would get a sitter no problem. She backed out of dates a multiple times and that upset me, but when I said something I was always in the wrong. Or when she hung out with the fuck buddy friend (knowing that made me uncomfortable), she would take her kid with her. I never would have had an issue with her bringing kids with us when we went out. This one I think pisses me off the most (odd I know), because I loved just being next to her, looking at her and doing simple shit like holding her hand, hearing her laugh an talk shit lol. Like being in her presence always felt so good, especially because had this awesome chemistry and couldn't keep our hands off each other.
So there it is, my therapy session. As silly as it sounds, was super insightful. And now that my meds are in order, makes me angry, and I'm allowed to be in some regard. Angry at myself for hurting her, but also angry because the hurt went both ways, and yet she feels she did nothing wrong and I'm the only problem. Will I convince her of that? FUCK NO! But that's her bullshit and is what it is, So I'll be angry, until the time is right to forgive I guess. Honestly, I don't know If I ever will. I hold her in the same regard as someone else that I hate with ALL my being. Yes I know it's a character flaw on my end. That's a entry for another day though.
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