This one is nothing but emotions of anger, guilt, sadness and acceptance. But here's a question?
How do you handle finally realizing someone you loved so much NEVER loved you?
This one is fucking with me hard. Now don't. get me wrong, I know I'm a real piece of shit and not worth anything to anyone. Been that way my whole life, so I just kept being a fuckup and accepted that I'm nothing. Whether it was parents, siblings or relationships, they had no problem reminding me daily I'm worthless. Oddly enough, It was only recent that it hurt the most and really drove the point home. Fuck My own father told me I should have been aborted. Other people did mean and cruel things to me, and it was ok. Did It hurt to hear that growing up? A little yeah. But it was nothing new in my house. But when I love someone so fucking hard, and to know that they never loved me, that has got to be the most terrible pain I can feel. What makes it worse is hearing she told some guy on fucking Facebook she loved him, not even 10 weeks after our breakup. So its painfully obvious he has been around the whole time. Story of my life. But hey I deserve it, I FUCKED UP ROYALLY and now not only is the guilt tearing me apart, but that drives it home that maybe this last 8-10 weeks was her teaching me a lesson and making sure I know my place. Well she's succeeded. I'm now so fucking broken, I'm literally on the verge of killing myself, because it PROVES I CANT BE LOVED BY ANYONE! I don't deserve it, and if there is a God, He wants me to never have it! I mean our chemistry was so intense and I loved it so much. But she also like to throw in my face our relationship wasn't real. Bullshit and the only picture I kept shows how real the chemistry was. But maybe she was right after the shit she pulled maybe it wasn't real, and I was a fucking fool. If she loves a dude 10 weeks, actually 4 because a month ago she said she loved me. So she wins again, she gets to just move forward thinking she did no wrong and living her best life, and I'm left in the gutter. Go Figure! Part of me wants to get even. But what good will it do? She'll use it in her favor.
Just once, just fucking once I want someone to be there, make me feel safe and just love me despite how broken I am. But that'll never happen I know that now. It goes two ways, either I'm expected to be a medicated compliant piece of meat and not have any feelings or So fucked up I cant function and fuck everything up. I don't get a happy medium or peace, let along any happiness. Its time I just accept I'm so fucked up and so worthless that'll death is more humane than living this way. I mean I don't need validation, Just someone to look me in the eye one day and just say "your fucked up, but I'm here and I love you and we will get through it"
Just a fucking pipe dream! So at this point I just give up. I'm so fucking lost and broken, Nobody will ever want that with me. And I'm also real sick of people saying "must love yourself, must forgive yourself" FUCK YOU!!!!! As a fucking human being we crave connection with another human being. And there is NO FUCKING FORGIVENESS! The last 4 months prove that.
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