I've had tis dream quite a few times. But last night, it was much more vivid. And when I woke up, I went from "wow" to "fuck" in like two seconds. To give a short backstory to this dream, The last girl I dated (in my opinion the one, but different entry on why its fucked), had this routine where every night I would send her a song along with a goodnight. She would always respond with a heart emoji or something awesome. One night I sent her one of my favorite songs called Our Song by Ron Pope. She must have liked it, because she said we were going to slow dance to it. We had made a drunken attempt to dance at a bar once (Tennessee Whiskey I think), and trust me I was two left feet and awkward as fuck. But still, she was adamant we were dancing to Our Song at some point.
So I've had probably a handful of dreams about us doing just that, just different scenarios and what not. Last night though, it was so intense and vivid. I don't know if I was maybe thinking about her or something after taking my drugs lol. Every detail is so fresh and deled in my mind, if it was real it would be perfect. We were outside on a back porch (no idea whose), there were 2 glasses of wine on a table next to a boombox. She was wearing that blue denim dress she wore on our first date and no shoes. The song comes on, she jumps up and then we started dancing. Its not a long song, but lasted forever, and was perfect. We literally didn't break eye contact, which is amazing because of her eyes and her dimple lol. the only time we did was when she put her head on my chest.
And then I woke up.....Fuck my life!
I couldn't go back to sleep, so I just stayed up and started thinking (a double edge sword currently). What was the purpose of a dream like this? besides the fact its torture since were not together and never got to do it. Its a strange thing how something most would take for granted, to me is just overwhelmingly hard, because I never got to experience that with her. Is it because of the person? Or the act in of itself? Or is it the semblance of what something like that means? No fucking clue, for me maybe all the above. I think with her, I would take in everything about that simple, but intimate moment. The way she smelled, the way her eyes always had this i don't twinkle, the dress, taking a second and sweeping her blonde hair behind her ear. Again no clue, all the above I guess.
So the "wow" was the dream, and how much I'd love to have that moment. The 'fuck" is the fact I never will and that's a horrible feeling. I heard a Ted Talk guy once say that he lives his life withing moments. I'm honestly afraid to view shit that way because of how fucked up my head is. But if I could have that moment, that one precise moment, I would cherish it forever.
Oh well, I guess that's the joys of loving someone who doesn't love you Because your a complete fuckup!
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