The name seems pessimistic, but sometimes can ring so true when dealing with loving someone only to lose them. Love isn't exactly a "one size fits all" kind of thing. It can hold different meanings based on the person its coming from and going to. Most people fall deeply in love thinking its forever, only to be let down and crushed when it is gone. What makes it more soul crushing, is when its gone due to your actions.
I truly believe that I didn't find true love till recently. I was married before, for a long time. Looking back on it now, it was nothing but convenience, plain and simple. Did it work? yes, for quite a long time. But in the end it was for entirely all the wrong reasons. And when it ended, it was totally ok. We keep things civil, coparent well and treat it like a business relationship with our children's needs first. In hindsight, its a type of love I guess. Its more of a respect and decorum for the sake of our children. Flash forward some years, some dating and one serious thing that ended shitty. At that point I figured out, maybe its not for me. Growing up, I never felt loved, valued or even respected. I was always treated as a horrible mistake that continued into cycles of horrendous abuse. Least they were honest though right? They flat out told me to my face I was a piece of shit. Not fun to hear as a 10 year old I assure you.
The out of nowhere it happened, I got wrangled into a double date. No expectations, but that changed in the blink of an eye. I walk into this restaurant, and there is this insanely gorgeous blonde sitting there. I had seen a picture previously, but did it no justice compared to in person. First thought was "wtf have I got myself into". And when I say gorgeous, that isn't an exaggeration. She has these piercing eyes, and a crazy smile with one dimple. The kind of smile I would give anything to look at all day, every day, forever. On top of it, she was funny as fuck, batshit crazy and just had this energy that just drew me in completely.
After that night she made the initial text that she had fun, and something about a "scrimmage" lol. From that moment on it was all day texting and just super random awesomeness. It was an insane intense connection. If texting was that way, imagine what in person would be like. After a week or so we scheduled our first date. A few days before that, I offered to take her coffee at her job, and she accepted. And then it happened, we stared kissing in the parking lot. Not even had an official date and they we were. There is something to be said about chemistry. For the rest of that week, I made it a point to make sure the first date was something great. I would like to think I succeeded.
That first date, in my opinion was pretty damn perfect. Picked her up, She was wearing this denim like dress that made her look absolutely beautiful. Then we proceeded to a great Italian Restaurant. We sat at the bar waiting for our table and split a bottle of wine. One thing I noticed was if she was nervous, she would crack a smile and then bite her lip. I noticed a piece of her hair fell in front of her ear, and then I swiped it gently behind her ear. No clue why I did it, I just wanted to touch her I guess. Good thing she didn't think it was creepy. Dinner went well, good conversation, another bottle of wine, and then on to the next adventure, The Green Lady Lounge. Off topic, when someone who has piercing eyes looks at you in a low light setting, its hard not to stare. Especially when they are so beautiful that nothing else compares in that moment. What got me was a little while into being there, she sat on my lap, and just looked at me, smiled and bit her lip the said " I want to make out with you". Who was I to deny a pretty lady? so then the rest of our time there, we were literally all over each other. A mix of Moscow Mules and chemistry have a way of making that happen. Most people probably would have ended the night there, nope not us, we ended up at a hotel lol. Classy shit!
When it comes to pure intimacy, I absolutely suck as I'm not a sexual person and generally couldn't care less. I always viewed sex as an something someone expects. I would always just do as I was told, even if I wasn't feeling it. On this night, it was way different. The only way I can best describe it is a volt of electricity surging through my body. It was intense, scary, passionate, everything I think it should be within that moment. Only downside to that evening was I had to go home. Yes I suck.
From then on, It was nothing short of amazing. We had some really great times. Without making this an entire book in this entry, Ill highlight just a few before getting to the "lie".
Moments that really stand out fresh in my mind are simple things that most would take for granted. We had a nightly ritual of me sending her a song when we said goodnight. She made me promise to always do that, and until the end I did, even during times we weren't "meshing" . I always wanted her to know daily she was on my mind. After the formal exchanges of "I love you", I made it a point to always tell her she was loved. Other moments that make a great impact are dancing in a bar to a lame band, because she wanted to and I had two left feet. her grabbing me and dragging me outside to be alone and make out (were not pervs, we just craved each other and the chemistry was intense lol).
Now here is the "beautiful lie" that can be love. In this case it comes in the form of loss of trust. When you hide things, not share aspects that can be crucial to understanding of ones true self can be detrimental to both people, which leads to hurt in sometimes the worst way. One thing I did completely wrong was hiding who I really was or use to be. I have a mental illness, and I tried to bury as life was ok, especially with the stigma that can come from it these days. I would always deflect, hide, and be dishonest and flat out lie about my past and things that always brought me great shame and hurt. Off topic, when I talked to my new therapist about this last week he made an interesting comment "what are you so afraid of"? At first I was like "fuck you buddy", but he's pretty dead on. In hindsight I'm scared of so much shit I shouldn't be scared of. I mean I'm a grown ass man, I'm strong and know how to defend myself if shit goes sideways. But it's deeper than that it seems. Cool I wont get beaten or worse like when I was growing up, but the internal trauma really makes things a cluster. What makes it worse is having a mental illness that you cant control certain aspects of at times, especially if not on medication to help or self medicating as I find myself doing these days which isn't helping at all! So its a fucked up defense tactic that outlived its purpose years ago, and that I should have fixed and figured out. If I would have figured it out way sooner I'd probably be texting a certain someone their song, and I love you and goodnight. No excuses, just observations as I write this while sipping on my 6th Vodka Cranberry. Go fucking figure right?
I guess I say all that to maybe understand this, love and lies are contained within a series of moments that when present you with a fork in the road , and the choice you make can greatly impact not only the moment, but the people you share the moment with. I wonder what's worse, the moment or the extreme guilt I feel from it. in this moment, it's both as I wish I didn't do it and the guilt has literally broke me.
But there are always two sides of the love and lie coin. Hypothetically speaking, let's say I fully disclosed everything inside and out. I flat out said "look my life sucked, i am a full blown wackaloon who needs meds and I made really bad decisions over the year. But I'm trying to be a better person and will always do my best. She still could have said " nope, don't need this I'm out" Still soul crushing in the end. I mean if out the gate she bailed, definitely easier to deal with. Or there's everything on her side. Obviously breakups are a two way street and not one sided usually. I mean for all I know she hid stuff. I've always had trust issues, especially around her guy friend who was also her fuck buddy before me and when I expressed hat made me uncomfortable I was dismissed. That's how I felt anyway, and my feelings should have been at least acknowledged. And after the breakup, she did some fucked up shit. Making promises she had no intention of keeping, dangling hope out there like a carrot when in reality she was already gone. When I'd bring shit up, i was the narcissist. Doesn't matter now anyways since I'm the loser in this mess. Regardless I was completely in the wrong with my part in this shit, and the guilt will probably always be there as I truly think/thought she was the one.
Where do I go from here? If i was given a "do over" your damn right I'd take it and do it different and better. I would not let the potential bad moments scare me so easily (least that's what I'm telling myself now). When will the guilt go away? Probably fucking never because I know how I am.
Will it even be worth wanting to be in a relationship again? At this point FUCK NO! I don't ever want to be or feel this way again. I don't want to fall for someone and then have it ripped away, especially if I'm the cause. Nope, can't do it again, not worth the heartache. I'd rather live my upcoming moments alone, especially in my dark days like today.
Maybe that's the answer....Love is the ultimate lie? A lie we tell ourselves and that special person. Maybe in reality it's all complete bullshit? But what the fuck do I know, I'm Bipolar as fuck and need medication!
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