Beware ... This one is a mix of optimism and Pessimism?
What do I want for this new year 2025? That's a good fucking question, because I honestly have no clue at this point. 2023 was a shitshow with work, the leg issues and all that. Now 2024 was an even bigger dumpster fire as far as love, loss and all the bullshit that comes with it. I will take not walking and being cut open any day over losing a relationship. That is a pain that will beat you to your knees and keep you there. Especially when you caused a good amount of why it ended. Just goes to shows letting old bullshit, trauma and shame creep back in to where to try to hide from it will fuck everything up. Although in hindsight, I do know they did quite a bit of fucked up shit to, the only difference is they'll never fess up because they think they did no wrong. Some days, I think to myself that if I got a call or text needing me, I'd be there no questions asked. But then think, WTF what if the roles were reversed. The struggle is definitely real. My therapist will definitely make some good money off me with how fucked up I am. lol.
So where do I go from here? How do I make 2025 "the year"? For one, I don't want 2025 to be some breakout year or some shit like that. I just want for once something in my life to go right. More importantly, I just want to have some sort of peace or happiness. I guess maybe I should do a list of what I'd like vs what really is. Maybe listing it out will give me perspective, or send me into a drunk and pill binge, at this point who the fuck knows. With all that said, here I go down my Bi-Polar rabbit hole.
Wants, Desires or Goals
1. To take the past and cut it the fuck loose - This is a heavy one, but If it doesn't happen I will never have any sense of peace or happiness. I would love to have a point in time and not have to have this cloud above my head for all the past abuse, worse things and how I handle shit. I'd really like to be able to communicate to people "yeah I had a really fucked up upbringing, but this is me, I'm capable of doing good things and being kind regardless, take it or leave it" instead of hiding my past and skirting around shit and frankly being dishonest in some regards. Again, my therapist should love this challenge lol.
2. Be more present in my life - What does this mean? I want to do more shit for myself, especially shit I used to do or somethings that give me joy. I want to get up and on a whim go skateboarding, or hiking and enjoy nature. Go camping in some remote desert and enjoy the solitude. Go get a coffee somewhere new and explore new places and scenery. Live my dream of living in a tiny house in Joshua Tree with my dog. Eventually I would love to share these short or long adventures with someone who would get the same sort of enjoyment from it. Not feel guilty if i want to do something for myself for a change.
3. Take another crack at Bodybuilding - Wasn't like a pro or anything, But it was hard, grueling, intense and more importantly fun to me. I loved creating my plan with my coach, doing the work and seeing the results and my hard work pay off.
4. Reset and focus on my side hustle - two months back I turned my company over to a friend so I can get my shit together. Needless to say, our visions didn't mesh well, so I'm resuming the mantle as the head meathead lol. I don't expect 2025 to be groundbreaking, I want to just do better than 2024. I got ideas on formulas, designs and programs I want to launch, so fuck it might as well make it happen.
5. Acknowledge, atone and fix my greatest mistake - This is geared around one person and one person only. I'll keep the details to myself on this one. You get the point.
So those are what I'm wanting to accomplish. But There are some realities with accomplishing these I have to take in consideration. So in true overthinking fashion, those realities or revelations are listed below.
1. To take the past and cut it the fuck loose - This will definitely take longer than a year, fuck probably the next decade as I have so much shit to unpack. I just hope that I get to a place where I'm at least comfortable communicating and not running from it. In full transparency I'm scared of feeling the shit. I hated it when it happened originally, I can only imagine reliving the shit will be like. Doing it medicated probably will help lol.
2. Be more present in my life - his will be more of a process, as I'm so use to following strict schedules as far as sleep, work, training, kid stuff, etc. So I'm going to start with the weekends and work toward being more spontaneous with it. Even if I get up on a Sunday and say "fuck it I'm going to get a coffee and walk around a farmers market". I just need to make that "me" time a priority.
3. Take another crack at Bodybuilding - Lets get real, I'm old and my leg is still always going to have issues forever. So I'll have to be strategic with my planning and execution. Upside is I know I have the discipline to do it, now just got to get up off my ass and do the shit. Will I ever compete again? Probably not, but who the fuck knows, stranger shit has happened.
4. Reset and focus on my side hustle - This will by far be the easiest out of the five goals. The website and everything already gets sales and traction, now I'm just going to enhance the products and create a better promotion engagement. Even If I launch one product/program per month, It'll organically grow.
5. Acknowledge, atone and fix my greatest mistake - This will by far be the hardest, and in reality the ship has probably sailed, and its a lost cause. But when I say this is my biggest regret (and trust me I've fucked a lot of shit up over my years), I wholeheartedly mean it. I've already acknowledged my hand in everything. But I also can't control the other side, which makes it a realm of unknown. I know I definitely wont make the same mistakes again, especially if I follow goal/reality #1. And I don't really have a lot of hope that there will ever be any communication again, but somedays for a few minutes I tend to think about it. But again in all reality, I'm fucked!
So there is my homage to the ole' New Years resolutions. Not exactly disease curing or groundbreaking, but hopefully if I get through it and survive the shitshow, maybe at the end of 2025, I'll write another one from a better sense of peace in my soul.
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